It is best to live your life for no one else; focus on yourself. Is this a selfish attitude? It depends on how you look at it:

If you adopt the concept that no one other than yourself is important, that only your needs matter, than it is selfish. This is not the correct attitude. The correct attitude is one of apathy to acclaim from others. The best thing you can do is to pursue your interests for your own sake. The awe of man means nothing and will leave you hollow.

Your best motivation is to find something within your work that excites you, that gives you meaning, that gives you joy. Not all of these can be tapped at the same time, or from every project, but the key is to find something that fuels your creative drive. Only then can you break the chains of “floating”…and free yourself as an artist.

Today was one of the most awkward days of my life.

This was the third time I’ve had a conversation like this in the past four years. The strange thing is: I have seen this day coming, only I didn’t know what the catalyst would be. I wonder if I have truly been given a powerful mind that is deeply tapped into The Secret, and that I have “imagined” this event into existence.

If people want to know my feelings, they can read this blog. Ever think that perhaps I write better than I talk? That it’s a bit less awkward for me to write when I want to than to be coerced into talking?

I find it a little ironic that just before this, I had been wanting to take a vow of silence for a week. Unfortunately, my daily work prevents this.

Because of this, things will change….

I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing.

I’m entitled to my own secrets.

I’m not like everyone else.

I wish someone would understand that…

Today was a sad day for me. I called a very good friend of mine only to find out that he just moved to Kansas yesterday. I was going to call him on Friday to hang out with him, but I ended up going to see “Grindhouse” instead. I had no idea he was planning to move to Kansas and it sounds like the decision was pretty sudden.

The good news is that I am hoping to go visit him in the summer. We talked about how we really want to take a trip together to California to hang out as we are both quite fond of the state. We also seem to be going through a very similar situation in life — what are we passionate about? Nevertheless, I am going to miss him immensely, but we both have agreed to stay in touch and to seriously make plans for the trip.

Tonight Rob and I finished season two of “Scrubs” and are almost half way through the third season. More memories to add, both of “Scrubs” itself and of watching them with Rob. There are so many beautiful, touching, and hilarious moments in “Scrubs,” and Rob and I have become so attached to the characters that we often quote, discuss, and relate to them. Scrubs and it’s cast and crew deserve Emmy after Emmy.

I called my brother today to express my sadness in Mark moving, but I could not reach him. What is interesting is how in an episode of “Scrubs” that I watched tonight, Dan, J.D.’s older brother, stood up for J.D. even after J.D. said some very damaging things to him. It was a reminder to put our differences aside with our siblings, and to love them no matter what. I relate to this because it has become hard to talk to my brother due to our strong differences in spiritual beliefs. I just need to let go and love.

Sometimes I wonder if I have seen the future, better yet, a glimpse of it. I know Rob has, but perhaps I lack the faith to truly believe that something I have seen in my mind is that of the future. I often write it off as being conjured up by my own imagination, and considering my over-active imagination, it very well could be. I guess I will know it when I see it, though it will be after-the-fact. Hindsight is 20/20.

I can’t believe the timing of things. As I just finished my last post, “Waiting For My Real Life To Begin” by Colin Hay came on. It is playing as I write this very entry, and it is speaking to my heart in ways that could only be construed by God Himself. These are the lyrics:

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Sometimes it would be easier to cry, but I can’t. I feel like I’m in love, but I don’t know why, with whom, or with what. It’s not an emptiness; I have filled that with God. It’s a lack of direction. I’m in love with a woman that I don’t know exists, yet at the same time I don’t know what I want. I’m indecisive, and fear committing to a choice. I’m afraid of failure.

I need someone to be here now. I need to take off my frail mask. I need my life to begin.

Out of all of my friends and co-workers, I feel I am the most misunderstood. Part of this stems from my inability to express myself properly, and part of this stems form the emotional, hopeless romantic part of me that I have put in a cage all of these years. A part of me I feel is unique to me, and is a part of me that I love. The thing is, this part of me is not a small piece of me, it’s a majority of me, and yet it lies dormant, waiting to be set free.

I don’t mind being single. Since my first relationship years ago, I have come to appreciate being single. Feeling lonely isn’t regularly a part of me, but when I lay my head on my pillow at night, sometime the loneliness really sinks in. I’m not the kind of person to rush into the arms of someone to escape the feeling of being lonely. I’m a hopeless romantic, and as such I long to fall in love and pour my heart out to someone. As consequence, I am picky.

I also am not the kind to “look” for opportunities, I await them. I guess you could argue that I believe in some sort of fairy-tale love, or love at first site. Call it what you will, I await meeting that one person that I feel a connection to. A connection that I can’t explain but know so well as it is a part of me. Then again, maybe convincing myself that I’m waiting is my way of giving myself hope.

I’m going to go drive out to the country, listen to Colin Hay, and stare at the stars.

Why the dramatic change in direction?

As I write this, I am listening to an artist I just got into today. The artist is Colin Hay, former front-man for the 80’s band, Men at Work. His music is soulful, emotional, and inspiring. As I listened to “Beautiful World” I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to imagine the song visually. It was inspiring, reconnecting me to the emotional, vulnerable side that I try to hide so much.

A while back I talked about how I hate façades. To be honest, I still put such a thing on. If I’m around someone I don’t know, I will force my personality. Other times I try to be a hard-ass in order to be “tougher” than I appear. This isn’t who I am. Why can’t I be myself?

I’ve come to realize recently that I don’t love myself. There are things that I do love about myself, but I do not love myself completely. In addition I shun the love of others, perhaps even the love of God. I want to be something that I’m not.

Some episodes of Scrubs I have watched recently have addressed this and have been quite inspiring in my life. Especially memorable is a moment in which Dr. Cox tells Dr. Reid to be herself. That she would be better off is she didn’t worry so much about what people thought of her. I worry so much about what people think about me. I fear the judgment of man, and I look for ways to validate myself. Perhaps this is what has kept me from being truly passionate about something.

I’m a passionate person — indirectly. What I mean is that I feel a lot of passion in my heart, in my soul, but I have no where to direct it. In terms of careers, I can’t remember a single task or subject that I was ever excited or passionate about. This brings into question the current direction of my future.

Maybe I just need some away-time, away from the distractions of everyday life…and maybe I long for something that doesn’t exist.

All I know is that I will wake up tomorrow and go through another routine day, letting another moment of my life waste away. Life is too short to idle. If only I knew where to direct my passion.

I can be quite analytical. I think this stems from my perfectionist, logical side. No more. This blog was initially going to be geared towards technology, art, and culture. I have since come to accept the fact that you can get such information and opinions form hundreds of other blogs on the Internet. What you can only find here, however, is my heart.

I’m an extremely emotional guy. Not in the “I cry a lot” sense, but I am connected at the soul to my feelings. Hereforth, you will find my feelings, not mere analytical opinions. Some people think through life — I feel.

My feelings may be in the form of art: lyrics, writings, poetry, and others; and they may be mere ramblings. Consider this a opportunity to look into the journal of my life.

“Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
‘Cause I can’t hold when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again”

– Linkin Park

Why the facade? I’m looking for something, perhaps something that does not exist. I don’t expect perfection, but I do have a level of expectation. Unique, intriguing, independent — is that too much to ask?

When you’re running your own company, you meet a lot of people and realize many things. I’m an optimist; I look for the good in people, and I always find something to like about someone. Unfortunately, people are boring, and people are fake. Very few people choose to play their own role in these theatrics we call life. Instead we take on characteristics that are not our own. We are actors. We can be whomever we wish to be, however it’s important to stay consistent.

When we are given our scripts, we can portray ourselves in an infinite number of ways. Yet we find ourselves changing our scripts according to the characters in our scene. A quality actor is welcome to improvise providing they stay consistent with the attributes of their character, but most of us are far from good actors. Instead we stray too far from the script and become completely different characters — characters so shallow that we become transparent, and it becomes easy to see that we are acting.

Evolution

Evolution is an essential part of our character. At some point we are expected to become more than what we presently are. Well written scripts carry a character through a series of crises, showing how the character evolved from what they were before, to whom they became after. Our lives follow the same formula. It’s not that you must not react differently to similar circumstances. It’s that you need to embrace conflict, crisis, and confrontation as an opportunity to analyze, learn, and evolve past your current state. This in turn creates a dynamic character whose persona becomes discernible in contrast to predictable or inconclusive.

Perhaps part of the problem lies in casting ourselves as the lead actor. If we could only view others as equal actors, then perhaps we could realize that we are all nothing more than supporting actors. Not a single one of us lead. Instead we support, refine, and construct each other as supporting actors who support other actors. In a world of quantum, infinite, possibilities, it is impossible for one of us to take the stage, front and center, without destroying the others. You may only perceive one of us at any given time, but we are all there.

An Honest Observation

I look around this tiny world, floating through parallel universes of infinite possibilities, and I see so much…assimilation. Very few choose to be unique. Very few choose to be intriguing. Very few choose to be independent. Look at yourself. Are you a product of your society? Your peers? Does your wardrobe reflect a desire to fit in? Do your actions portray a narcissist? Are you the same person in private that you are in public?

Break this mold, for such things will only lead to a shallow life of deceit and loneliness. You will never feel loved for who you are. You will never feel complete. You must embrace that which makes you “different”, that which makes you “weird”. Only then can you discover who you are. Only then will others accept you for who you are.

I choose to be unique. I choose to be “weird”. I choose to be intriguing. I choose to be “different”. I choose to be independent…

I choose to be myself.

Thoughts from a concerned individual,
– David Aaron Fendley

Have you ever been to Cnet.com and noticed the Flash map on the right hand side as you are reading an article? This map allows you to see how events and articles are related to each other. While Cnet has had this feature for some time, I took the time to check out the Flash map’s creator: LivePlasma.com.

LivePlasma.com is currently a beta service that allows you to see networks of your favorite movies and music, spanning artists and directors. Click a director’s name and you can see their movies and other related works of art. Add a title to your favorites and LivePlasma will generate your own network map for you.

Since it’s only a beta, you are limited to how many titles you can add to your favorites. However, this could prove to be a next-gen visual method for finding additional movies and music that cater to your tastes.

The biotech company, Genetic Savings and Loan, will be refunding it’s customers $50,000 fees for having their cats cloned as they close their doors this year. After six years of research, the technology has not advanced enought to make cloning pets comercially viable.

For some this raises huge ethical debates. As cloning advances, it is only a matter of time before a human is cloned. Is cloning the wave of the future? Or is it as unethical as playing God?

Recent reports claim that Verizon has been turning away new DSL customers due to over-capacity. Instead of increasing capacity to meet demand, Verizon has instead insisted on ending linesharing requirements or removing net neutrality to help them better meet demand. Aww, poor Verizon. It’s not bad enough that they lock out their phones. It’s not bad enough that they’re engineering their new fiber networks with the expectation that their bandwidth won’t fully be utilized. It’s not bad enough that they cancel users accounts if they saturate too much bandwidth.

Consider it a good thing that customers are getting turned away. They don’t have to put up with Verizon: The Evil Empire.