I have an obsession with the past and future. I will daydream for hours about what will be, spending other hours on what once was. In some cases, these dreams lead to visions, imaginations of a hopeful future. Other times, reflections on the past only serve to provide guilt, stress, and shame.
We must embrace the present.
It is important to remove temptation from one’s life. To this end, I set iCal to purge events after 30 days and will occasionally purge my task lists. Why should I keep these things around? I rarely look back upon them, and when I do, it is often a vain attempt to feel a sense of accomplishment, to see what I’ve done and where I have spent my time.
To truly derive accuracy from such reflections, I would have to implement new behavioral patterns and requirements that demand consistency. This is just more overhead and cognitive load. I need less. I need as little as possible. Our systems should serve us; we should not serve them. Thus, time spent digging through my browser history to see how I have spent my day is time wasted.
The truth is, we know when we have been productive and when we have not. We feel it. It is in our cells. We bask in productivity. We wallow in waste. This is the only compass we need. Yet Resistance lies to us. It tells us that our intuition is not good enough. No! We need concrete data. We need more systems. We need more structure.
Recently I began keeping a log of when I would wake and sleep. This was designed to keep my average wake time at 5:30 AM. I did wake up at this time for a while but began to wane. Eventually, I tired of keeping this log and ceased to do so, despite the fact that these systems only work if one maintains them vigorously.
I began to reflect: Why do i struggle to maintain such systems? While any new pattern takes time to fully adopt, one should have firm reason for why the given system should exist in the first place. “Because we always have…”, “Because they say so…” are not good enough. In order to have acceptance, one must have understanding. I had forgotten why I should wake up this early in the first place. My sleep schedule had become a game, nothing more than points of data on a spreadsheet.
My reflections deepened.
I realized that the reason I had wanted to wake up early to begin with was for the personal benefits. There was nothing magical about the time 5:30 AM, but when I would awaken this early, I would feel more refreshed, greeting the sun, ready to face the day with more energy and productivity. Waking up later in the morning left me feeling as if I were catching up with the rest of the world. Much later — devastated. Once again I had motivation, true reason. I had a pure desire for structure, one not wrapped in red tape.
Reflections can give us appreciation for the past, but as a compass, they are only beneficial in brief and in change. The past is best captured not in numbers, events, and data, but in emotion. The writings of one’s feelings, the pictures of history, the scrapbooks of desires — these serve to remind us of days long ago, of impressions we had upon the existence of time and where those impressions will, or were meant to, take us. This is how we must reflect. Though our bodies may be machines, our spirits are not. This we must hold dear.
Structure is important, but it demands the right reasons in order to be embraced. We must be conscious of our time spent, choosing decisively, not simply reacting. The future depends upon the actions of the present. This future exists when we decide.