We discussed the current state of affairs in the Christian world, agreeing that a Christian subculture should not exist. I mentioned additional grievances I had against the modern day church, further cementing my argument as to why I do not go. We made rather good time in our travel, though we would have made even better time if it was not due to a detour. iPhone (yes, iPhone, not “My iPhone.” iPhone is an entity. Do NOT piss iPhone off) helped us out and was a great companion for this trip.

We get up to Jill’s parent’s house where I am introduced to her mother and father, two of the kindest and most hospitable people that I have ever met. They allowed Jason and I to stay in their basement for two nights, which saved us money as we didn’t have to get a hotel room. Wednesday was a relaxed day of meeting Jill’s family and getting to know them.




Thursday

Jason and I get up at 9 AM. We have some coffee, and Jason proceeds to jump rope. Jill’s father and I discuss cycling in which he further piques my interest in the sport. Jason and I then leave for Starbucks as we needed a place with Wi-Fi.

We get to Starbucks, I order a skim latte, or a non-fat latte as they call it, and we have a seat. Sure enough, they have Wi-Fi. Sure enough, it’s AT&T only, and not T-Mobile. T-Mobile said that they had made an agreement with AT&T to grandfather in current T-Mobile customers, however I could not log on at all. One of the employees was kind enough to call around to find us a Starbucks that still had T-Mobile, and after doing some offline work, we head to another Starbucks.

Ah! Internet at last… at least for Jason. Only one person can be signed in at a time under a given account. If I had a crossover cable on me, I could have logged in on one computer and shared the connection via the crossover cable. Alas, I did not have one. I really didn’t need it as I could check my email on my phone, so I cranked away on a site that Brett and I have been working on.




The Rehearsal

Jason leaves, goes out to his car to make a phone call, and a while later come dashing in saying, “I lost track of the time. We have to go!” We zip off to Jill’s parent’s where I learn that the rehearsal is a dress rehearsal. I had absolutely no idea. All that I have are the t-shirt and jeans that I am wearing. I really don’t mind being the odd man out, though. I see it as an opportunity to be a trailblazer, a trendsetter, or at least that’s what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

As it turns out, Jill’s father is about the same size as me, and finds clothes for me in no time. The day is saved! I ride over to the rehearsal with Jill’s father, mother, and friend Joanna. We have a quick rehearsal that Jason’s brother, mother, and crew are an hour late to due to a misunderstanding, and off we go for dinner.




Dinner

We pull up to a country themed restaurant where we sit in a secluded room, enjoying each others company. I couldn’t have anything on the menu due to my diet, so at the request of John and Cole, I ordered a dish for them to share. It was a lovely time, and I greatly thank Jason’s father for the occasion.

Finally we head back to Jill’s parents. This time I rode with Jason and Jill. I had brought a cooler of food with me that I prepared so that I could stick to my conditioning diet, and fortunately had left it in the car. I quelled my hunger by munching on some food as Jill and Jason made a quick stop at a nearby Wal-Mart. We get back to the house where Jason and I workout before bed.

And there was peace and rest on the second day.




Friday

The big day. Jason and I get up and begin looking for a hair salon so that we can get last minute hair cuts. We get a bit lost, but finally come upon two salons. One was too expensive and the other was closed. We decide on a salon titled, “The Ginger Root.” We set an appointment, jet over to the hotel that Jason’s family was staying at, pickup John, and head back to the salon. Two very nice women cut our hair, though I just got mine trimmed as I am growing it out. We drop John off and head to the church, quickly getting dressed only to find that Rock’s tux is way too big. However, Jill’s mom can sew and her and another lady save the day.




An Old Friend

In the dressing room, a long-time friend of my parents walks in and says, “Which one of you is Fendley.” I look at him, and say, “Fendley?” He responds, “Are your mother and father Dennis and Linda?” I say, “Yes,” and he proceeds to ask me if I remember him. I sure do. I grew up in the church that he and his wife are still pastors of to this day. In fact, My dad used to teach there.

He says, “Where do you go to church?” I tell him that I do not go to church. “Could I talk you into coming back?” he says. I told him that I am a big fan of George Barna’s, “Revolution,” and that I read through it quickly. He made a comment that Barna was a bit out there and asked if I believe it 100%, to which I replied that I do. He told me that he was going to try to get me to come back. I told him that he is more than welcome to try.

He asks what I’ve been doing and I tell him that I own a company currently doing film and web development. He said that he’s been interested in hiring a company to do high-quality, professional video on occasion, and would love to talk sometime. I give him my cards, but little does he know that my benefactor, and long-time friend, co-founded his church, and was driven from it for political reasons in years past. We all head out to take pictures, some serious, some fun, and head back inside for the wedding.




The Wedding

The wedding was short, sweet, and beautiful — perfect. Jason’s brother John cried a bit when it came to the vows, which were quite lovely. Jason and Jill escape in their limo, returning later to take their photos together. I meet up with the absolutely amazing Brian, where we chat about various topics, especially our shoes. I had these awesome black and turquoise shoes on that Jason and Jill had so kindly bought for all of the groomsmen.




The Reception

The reception was wonderful. I got to see some old friends, we took some more pictures, and the building we were in overlooked the Fox River. We had champagne, wine, toasts, and an open bar that I sadly couldn’t indulge in due to my conditioning project. I had the best salmon of my life with asparagus and rice. No really, it was the best salmon I’ve ever had — absolutely amazing. Perfect. I counted the day off as an indulgence day and had some cake which is absolutely forbidden from my diet, but the slices were thankfully thin. After some dancing, Josh and I took off and met Jason at his hotel to transfer some of his belongings out of his car as I would be driving it back to Champaign.




The Journey Home

After getting a bit lost, and Josh and I’s two and a half hour drive turning into a four hour drive (which would have been longer if it was not for the sincerity of a man at Dunkin’ Donuts), we finally made it home.

In reflection, I had a great time. I thank Jason, Jill, the parents, and all those involved for letting me be a part of it. May God bless and protect Jason and Jill in their travels; may they have an eternity filled with joy and happiness.

On a more humorous note, Luke gave the funniest speech that I’ve ever heard at a wedding. You really have to hear it for yourself to fully appreciate it. That man can write… and I’m jealous! I really need to write more. I truly am my own worst enemy.

I got to hang out with my hopefully-future-roommate, Matt, at the wedding. That man is 110% awesome and then some. I’ve been scoping for apartments as I think it will be much easier if my roommates and I all move out at the same time, otherwise there’s issues with the deposit that I’d rather not deal with. I’m hoping we can check some apartments out very soon — maybe this week.

I have a meeting with Josh tomorrow at 6:15 AM! I’m using him as my alarm clock so that I can get my body back on a sleep schedule. We’re going to go over a web site concept that he has been working on, and I’m going to apprentice him in the art of web design and development. He definitely has the mind for it, and I really hope he sticks with it.

I love Sam Yergler — I really do. Lately he has really been an inspiration and encouragement to me, let alone a source of some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. He is so easy to talk to and so understanding as well. I have never felt judged by him. I think we all could learn a lesson in selflessness and encouragement from him, and I hope that we remain friends for the rest of our lives.

This week is a week of finishing up projects. With the company restructure hopefully getting full approval this week, I’m hoping to be in a position to contract and hire more freelancers so that I can begin to focus on animation — more specifically writing our first animation. I have a concept that I am very excited about, and I can’t wait to reveal it in due time.

Alas, I must go and do my daily workout for The PCP. I’ve made a lot of progress, and I’m becoming more and more excited as I see the results. By all means, please feel free to offer words of encouragement! I sure could use them as it’s only going to get harder.

Everyone else played Halo 3, drank, and ate junk food. I wasn’t interested in playing Halo 3, though I did play half a game with Luke, and I couldn’t drink or eat any of the food there as I am on a very strict diet. When we had a toast to Micah for his new, exciting future with Heather, I really appreciated how Luke respected the fact that I was on a strict diet and couldn’t partake in the drinking. It really helps to have friends that encourage you instead of pressure you — especially when it comes to long-term, life changing decisions such as diet and exercise.

I talked with Patrick today about life after the PCP. We both plan on easing up on our diets once winter rolls around, then resuming them in the Spring and Summer. This allows us to enjoy some of the more “guilty pleasures” of life in the Winter while retaining peak condition in the Spring and Summer.

I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I still have a long ways to go.

My Company

While it hasn’t been officially approved, my company and I are looking to restructure so that the company is more expandable and profitable. It’s a delicate task, but I feel that it is important. With our current direction, we’re going to be tied down to living from paycheck to paycheck with no room to expand. Our new direction allows us to function like a real company with assets and eventually employees.

My Blog

I love to write, I really do; but what keeps me from blogging more is a lack of discipline. For some time I have been indecisive as to what direction to take this blog in. I have decided that “Essence” will be my forum for my thoughts and musings. It’s win-win — it’s therapeutic, and if someone can take something away from it, then so much the better.

My Life

For several years I have battled having a lack of energy. I am on the road to recovery. The first major wave of energy came when I went Pescetarian the first week of the year. After about three weeks, my energy levels were considerably higher. The second wave came shortly after I started The Peak Condition Project with Chen, Patrick, Corry, and Sean. I’ve decided that it’s time to get in the best shape of my life. The Peak Condition Project is my answer.

Last year I asked a lot of hard questions, mainly those regarding life and spirituality. While I feel that I have more direction now than I did then, I’m still asking those hard questions while keeping an open mind. I’m listening to a Buddhist podcast and loving it, while at the same time retaining an open heart towards the words of men like Rob Bell. My goal is not to “craft my own religion,” but to find truth.

For some time I made the excuse that I did not have time for a relationship. I’ve realized that my life is only going to get busier, and that if it’s important to me to have a relationship, I must sacrifice the time. It’s worth it; it’s important. I have some prospects, and I’m keeping my options open.

My roommates will be moving out in August. I adore them, but it’s time for them to have their own place separate of me. I’m looking to move in with my good friend’s Matt and Nathan. I adore these guys, and we would have a lot of fun living together. We may take over the lease where I am right now, and we may find a new place. It’s up in the air.

I’m going through big changes in my life, but I’m excited. I’ve had a good life, and it’s getting better all the time. Here’s to a very bright future.

Get ready, things are going to be a little different around here.

It has been reported that Photoshop runs quite well under Wine. Does the future of application deployment lie in virtual machines and compatibility layers? Or will there always be demand for native versions of these applications?

But it still can’t touch VIM. VIM is my editor of choice. While TextMate boasts a great UI and killer bundles and customization, VIM has had this for 15 years. Just take a look around [vim.org](http://www.vim.org “VIM”) — there’s a script for nearly everything. This very post was written and submitted with a VIM plugin.

My number one reason for switching back to VIM: keyboard orientation. If you write a lot of code like myself, you don’t want to keep reaching for the mouse or even the arrow keys. VIM’s setup and design keeps your fingers happy right at home. It’s also available for many platforms. I invite you to check it out at [vim.org](http://www.vim.org “VIM”).

A new beginning. From henceforth, this site will be informative and educational in order to give back to a community that has offered so much to me over the years. You may still find the occasional personal piece, but expect a much more defined direction.

Paranoid, I can not find peace in music as doing so would cloud my senses, making myself prone to those who would dare sneak up behind me.

Yes, this moment is dark, yet there is something beautiful about it as well. I imagine myself the last man on earth, left to explore a world in which cities run themselves. Not a foreigner in a strange land, but a man in the place he calls home; silent chaos in the world he sees everyday when he opens his eyes. This city — autonomous. Yet, I know I must plan my travels carefully as there is limited supply of fuel to carry me from town to town.

The sun is gone; a mystery left to be resolved. This planet — forever dark. All alone, forever night, I am left to experience and remember the lives of those that once gave this world life. Life still exists through the plants and the trees, but all mammals have gone. To where, I do not know.

In solitude, I feel immortal.

This is hypocrisy at it’s finest, and any true digerati knows that there is no such thing as flawless code and security.

Enough said.

If you adopt the concept that no one other than yourself is important, that only your needs matter, than it is selfish. This is not the correct attitude. The correct attitude is one of apathy to acclaim from others. The best thing you can do is to pursue your interests for your own sake. The awe of man means nothing and will leave you hollow.

Your best motivation is to find something within your work that excites you, that gives you meaning, that gives you joy. Not all of these can be tapped at the same time, or from every project, but the key is to find something that fuels your creative drive. Only then can you break the chains of “floating”…and free yourself as an artist.

This was the third time I’ve had a conversation like this in the past four years. The strange thing is: I have seen this day coming, only I didn’t know what the catalyst would be. I wonder if I have truly been given a powerful mind that is deeply tapped into The Secret, and that I have “imagined” this event into existence.

If people want to know my feelings, they can read this blog. Ever think that perhaps I write better than I talk? That it’s a bit less awkward for me to write when I want to than to be coerced into talking?

I find it a little ironic that just before this, I had been wanting to take a vow of silence for a week. Unfortunately, my daily work prevents this.

Because of this, things will change….

I don’t know if this is a good or a bad thing.

I’m entitled to my own secrets.

I’m not like everyone else.

I wish someone would understand that…

The good news is that I am hoping to go visit him in the summer. We talked about how we really want to take a trip together to California to hang out as we are both quite fond of the state. We also seem to be going through a very similar situation in life — what are we passionate about? Nevertheless, I am going to miss him immensely, but we both have agreed to stay in touch and to seriously make plans for the trip.

Tonight Rob and I finished season two of “Scrubs” and are almost half way through the third season. More memories to add, both of “Scrubs” itself and of watching them with Rob. There are so many beautiful, touching, and hilarious moments in “Scrubs,” and Rob and I have become so attached to the characters that we often quote, discuss, and relate to them. Scrubs and it’s cast and crew deserve Emmy after Emmy.

I called my brother today to express my sadness in Mark moving, but I could not reach him. What is interesting is how in an episode of “Scrubs” that I watched tonight, Dan, J.D.’s older brother, stood up for J.D. even after J.D. said some very damaging things to him. It was a reminder to put our differences aside with our siblings, and to love them no matter what. I relate to this because it has become hard to talk to my brother due to our strong differences in spiritual beliefs. I just need to let go and love.

Sometimes I wonder if I have seen the future, better yet, a glimpse of it. I know Rob has, but perhaps I lack the faith to truly believe that something I have seen in my mind is that of the future. I often write it off as being conjured up by my own imagination, and considering my over-active imagination, it very well could be. I guess I will know it when I see it, though it will be after-the-fact. Hindsight is 20/20.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Sometimes it would be easier to cry, but I can’t. I feel like I’m in love, but I don’t know why, with whom, or with what. It’s not an emptiness; I have filled that with God. It’s a lack of direction. I’m in love with a woman that I don’t know exists, yet at the same time I don’t know what I want. I’m indecisive, and fear committing to a choice. I’m afraid of failure.

I need someone to be here now. I need to take off my frail mask. I need my life to begin.

Out of all of my friends and co-workers, I feel I am the most misunderstood. Part of this stems from my inability to express myself properly, and part of this stems form the emotional, hopeless romantic part of me that I have put in a cage all of these years. A part of me I feel is unique to me, and is a part of me that I love. The thing is, this part of me is not a small piece of me, it’s a majority of me, and yet it lies dormant, waiting to be set free.

I don’t mind being single. Since my first relationship years ago, I have come to appreciate being single. Feeling lonely isn’t regularly a part of me, but when I lay my head on my pillow at night, sometime the loneliness really sinks in. I’m not the kind of person to rush into the arms of someone to escape the feeling of being lonely. I’m a hopeless romantic, and as such I long to fall in love and pour my heart out to someone. As consequence, I am picky.

I also am not the kind to “look” for opportunities, I await them. I guess you could argue that I believe in some sort of fairy-tale love, or love at first site. Call it what you will, I await meeting that one person that I feel a connection to. A connection that I can’t explain but know so well as it is a part of me. Then again, maybe convincing myself that I’m waiting is my way of giving myself hope.

I’m going to go drive out to the country, listen to Colin Hay, and stare at the stars.

As I write this, I am listening to an artist I just got into today. The artist is Colin Hay, former front-man for the 80’s band, Men at Work. His music is soulful, emotional, and inspiring. As I listened to “Beautiful World” I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to imagine the song visually. It was inspiring, reconnecting me to the emotional, vulnerable side that I try to hide so much.

A while back I talked about how I hate façades. To be honest, I still put such a thing on. If I’m around someone I don’t know, I will force my personality. Other times I try to be a hard-ass in order to be “tougher” than I appear. This isn’t who I am. Why can’t I be myself?

I’ve come to realize recently that I don’t love myself. There are things that I do love about myself, but I do not love myself completely. In addition I shun the love of others, perhaps even the love of God. I want to be something that I’m not.

Some episodes of Scrubs I have watched recently have addressed this and have been quite inspiring in my life. Especially memorable is a moment in which Dr. Cox tells Dr. Reid to be herself. That she would be better off is she didn’t worry so much about what people thought of her. I worry so much about what people think about me. I fear the judgment of man, and I look for ways to validate myself. Perhaps this is what has kept me from being truly passionate about something.

I’m a passionate person — indirectly. What I mean is that I feel a lot of passion in my heart, in my soul, but I have no where to direct it. In terms of careers, I can’t remember a single task or subject that I was ever excited or passionate about. This brings into question the current direction of my future.

Maybe I just need some away-time, away from the distractions of everyday life…and maybe I long for something that doesn’t exist.

All I know is that I will wake up tomorrow and go through another routine day, letting another moment of my life waste away. Life is too short to idle. If only I knew where to direct my passion.

I’m an extremely emotional guy. Not in the “I cry a lot” sense, but I am connected at the soul to my feelings. Hereforth, you will find my feelings, not mere analytical opinions. Some people think through life — I feel.

My feelings may be in the form of art: lyrics, writings, poetry, and others; and they may be mere ramblings. Consider this a opportunity to look into the journal of my life.

“Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
‘Cause I can’t hold when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again”

– Linkin Park

Why the facade? I’m looking for something, perhaps something that does not exist. I don’t expect perfection, but I do have a level of expectation. Unique, intriguing, independent — is that too much to ask?

When you’re running your own company, you meet a lot of people and realize many things. I’m an optimist; I look for the good in people, and I always find something to like about someone. Unfortunately, people are boring, and people are fake. Very few people choose to play their own role in these theatrics we call life. Instead we take on characteristics that are not our own. We are actors. We can be whomever we wish to be, however it’s important to stay consistent.

When we are given our scripts, we can portray ourselves in an infinite number of ways. Yet we find ourselves changing our scripts according to the characters in our scene. A quality actor is welcome to improvise providing they stay consistent with the attributes of their character, but most of us are far from good actors. Instead we stray too far from the script and become completely different characters — characters so shallow that we become transparent, and it becomes easy to see that we are acting.

Evolution

Evolution is an essential part of our character. At some point we are expected to become more than what we presently are. Well written scripts carry a character through a series of crises, showing how the character evolved from what they were before, to whom they became after. Our lives follow the same formula. It’s not that you must not react differently to similar circumstances. It’s that you need to embrace conflict, crisis, and confrontation as an opportunity to analyze, learn, and evolve past your current state. This in turn creates a dynamic character whose persona becomes discernible in contrast to predictable or inconclusive.

Perhaps part of the problem lies in casting ourselves as the lead actor. If we could only view others as equal actors, then perhaps we could realize that we are all nothing more than supporting actors. Not a single one of us lead. Instead we support, refine, and construct each other as supporting actors who support other actors. In a world of quantum, infinite, possibilities, it is impossible for one of us to take the stage, front and center, without destroying the others. You may only perceive one of us at any given time, but we are all there.

An Honest Observation

I look around this tiny world, floating through parallel universes of infinite possibilities, and I see so much…assimilation. Very few choose to be unique. Very few choose to be intriguing. Very few choose to be independent. Look at yourself. Are you a product of your society? Your peers? Does your wardrobe reflect a desire to fit in? Do your actions portray a narcissist? Are you the same person in private that you are in public?

Break this mold, for such things will only lead to a shallow life of deceit and loneliness. You will never feel loved for who you are. You will never feel complete. You must embrace that which makes you “different”, that which makes you “weird”. Only then can you discover who you are. Only then will others accept you for who you are.

I choose to be unique. I choose to be “weird”. I choose to be intriguing. I choose to be “different”. I choose to be independent…

I choose to be myself.

Thoughts from a concerned individual,
– David Aaron Fendley

]]> http://triconium.com/archives/16/feed http://triconium.com/archives/16 http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/triconium/essence/~3/217820390/15 http://triconium.com/archives/15#comments Mon, 16 Oct 2006 12:58:39 +0000 David Fendley http://www.triconium.com/?p=15 Have you ever been to Cnet.com and noticed the Flash map on the right hand side as you are reading an article? This map allows you to see how events and articles are related to each other. While Cnet has had this feature for some time, I took the time to check out the Flash map’s creator: LivePlasma.com.

LivePlasma.com is currently a beta service that allows you to see networks of your favorite movies and music, spanning artists and directors. Click a director’s name and you can see their movies and other related works of art. Add a title to your favorites and LivePlasma will generate your own network map for you.

Since it’s only a beta, you are limited to how many titles you can add to your favorites. However, this could prove to be a next-gen visual method for finding additional movies and music that cater to your tastes.

For some this raises huge ethical debates. As cloning advances, it is only a matter of time before a human is cloned. Is cloning the wave of the future? Or is it as unethical as playing God?

Consider it a good thing that customers are getting turned away. They don’t have to put up with Verizon: The Evil Empire.