Essence

I finally have a good start to my first animation.

I have been wanting to do an animation for some time. Unfortunately, like with many of my aspirations, it was put on the back burner. I began talking about it more regularly again a couple months ago — brainstorming, conceptualizing. I had ideas for certain elements, but I wasn’t sure how to start the story.

It came to me last night while I was at a bar with some friends in Chicago. I was sitting by myself as I was really tired and didn’t want to talk to anyone. I pulled out my moleskine, and with pen in hand, it began.

I’m pretty excited about it. I’m not ready to reveal any details other than this: it will be 2D. I feel that this particular perspective will be best for capturing the essence of this piece.

Stay tuned. The future begins…

Now. (Baloop!)

My sin is Envy. Envy, jade green with desire, she teases me. Like lust for the flesh, I crave that which I can not have. To hide from her allure, I have cloaked myself with disappointment and despair. Sacrificing my passions on an alter of flames, I rend my soul in a frail attempt to satiate her appetite for my misery.

One step closer.

Things seem different. Envy’s allure is less seductive, and I begin to empathize with her. Her once coy looks are now more indifferent. I find myself less guarded. Surely this is one of her ploys; but I can’t resist.

Two steps closer.

Her beauty is striking, but she seems insecure. Her once devilish charm has been replaced with a countenance of sorrow. Where I once saw a shade, I now see a woman. A hint of emotion in her eyes ignites a revelation in me — she’s my antecedent!

Within arms reach.

She breaks. Her once enchanting eyes have been replaced by streams of resignation and remorse. Her voice breaks as she tells me her story.

As a child she lived in reverie. Desiring a life driven by her passions, she cared not what this world demanded of her. She knew not failure nor envy, for she saw all failures as a test of endurance, envy as the plunderer of dreams.

But as she grew into a woman she put aside her childish ways — including that of her child-like wonder. Where she once embraced diligence, she rested in the arms of enervation. Where she once was fueled by passion, she was extinguished by apathy. Where she once immersed herself in hope, she bathed in the recessions of despair.

She sobs.

Why then entice me with such a sad, desolate life?

She whispers. I have what she could have had: potential. If she could lure me into her trap, if she could make me like her, she could find solace in my then dismal existence. Despondent, she sold her soul to the Great Void to become the very thing she abhorred — Envy.

I think I get it now. I weep for her…

As I begin to walk away, I reflect on her sad, but inspiring, story. I hear something. As I look over my should, there she is, laughing. She looks up, her eyes enchanting once again, but this time she gives me a warm smile. I truly get it now.

Envy is not my sin. Envy is my impetus for transcendence. She is my warden. It is through her persistent conflict that I am taught courage, perseverance, diligence. It is because of her that my passions are defined.

I know not envy.

Writing is therapy for me. Like many who require therapy, I don’t submit to it enough. It teases me at a distance, playfully hoping that one day I will catch it, but in the mean time, remains just out of reach.

She remains just out of reach.

I see her in my mind. Shapeshifting, she confuses me. She eludes me. Do I know her? Probably not. Will I? I fear…

Nothing…. and yet everything.

Who am I, and what am I saying? My friends don’t know me. If they only knew the life I lived in the shadows. If only those who knew my life in the shadows knew of my life in the light.

I’m torn in two, woven together by the threads of sanity. But what a frail sanity that is.

Fuck you.

You know who you are. You’re reading this right now. You’re… writing this right now.

I don’t hate who I could be. I hate who I am. With every new day, I look at the past and think, “At least I’m not who I was then.” Yet a small part of me misses that old me. It’s a co-dependency — I must dismiss it.

Anyways, tomorrow will be the start of the new year. I can’t believe it’s already 2055. According to the death calender, this will be the year of my passing. What can I claim as accomplishments in my life? Upon reflection, will I mourn my failures to invoke my dreams? Or will I rejoice with what I have done for my family, my friends, myself?

I’ll have to give this more thought — tomorrow.

Beyond Belief

I’m almost done with, “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins, and I must say, I can’t put it down.

I’ve been questioning my beliefs a lot over the past few years. This year I began listening to a Buddhist podcast on Zen, and recently, my faith in Christianity. I went through this about a year ago but regressed to Christianity out of comfort. Here I am again, only this time I’m finding my belief in the Christian God waning.

To summarize my beliefs: I think there could be a God, I just don’t know who the fuck He is. I believe in evolution, and I’m living my life as if it’s the only one I have. Like my friend Patrick said, life is too short to waste mental power on an afterlife. If there is an afterlife, I’ll be pleasantly surprised providing that the God of the Bible is not real, and I don’t find myself in Hell.

Consequence

A side effect of my waning belief in the Christian God is a waxing awareness of the present. I feel more alive — lucky to belief alive that is. This enhanced awareness of the present has affected me in both big and little ways, from a newfound drive to what I want to do with my life, to an acuteness of the senses when I’m on my motorcycle.

An additional consequence is a greater desire for time management. Life is too short. I don’t have time to fuck around. Thus, things have got to go. I’m reminded of a blog post by the lovely Gwen Bell titled, “If You Can’t Pitch It, Ditch It“. Gwen describes a man she met that lived life by a stopwatch in order manage his time. It sounds extreme, but I get it now: life is too short to fuck around. A stopwatch was this man’s way of making efficient use of his time. This man would even evaluate his friendships, and call them off if they weren’t beneficial. While that may a bit harsh for my tastes, the point is that I need to make efficient use of my time.

Once I’ve finished “The God Delusion”, I’m going to read it through a second time and take notes. With these notes, I’ll post my thoughts as well as a full review on the book.

And the latest email to Hostway.com, after they said that they had forwarded my request to second tier support, and would reply to me soon:

Alright guys, seriously… Is this a joke, or is Hostway.com just a big, fat joke in and of itself? (I’m going to go with the latter). This is such a simple request, and it’s not rocket science. Eight days without a reply… seriously? Wow… I can’t even begin to describe how shitty your service has been. I know I’m being a dick about this, but apparently that’s what it takes to get support from you. Even a simply reply saying, “We can’t get to your issue at this time because we’re engineering new ways to screw our customers,” would be better than nothing. Hell I’d give you props for having some balls. See you in another eight days! David Fendley Shatterglass Studios

The proceeding email is what I sent to support@hostway.com regarding a very simple request:

It’s a damn shame that you can’t provide such basic services that are easily available through other hosts, like Crucial Paradigm (crucialp.com if you want to see why they rock). I can easily dump and manage databases with them. But hey, if you want to aspire to mediocrity, go right ahead. I can’t stop you. What I can do is cut my losses. Unfortunately, the person formerly in charge of the domain paid for the year in full. We’ll have to cut our losses as we move to other providers — providers that are competent. Oh, and you made my company’s Blacklist. We’ll be talking all of our future clients out of utilizing your services unless you can “magically” address this issue appropriately. David Fendley Shatterglass Studios

I hate discipline. Why? Because it’s more elusive than that asshole leprechaun and his pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. I know this because I’ve caught that little fucker before, and all he had was a damn Twix Bar. Yeah, he struck a deal with the makers of Twix — sellout.

I used to be so disciplined. What happened? I became lazy; but why? How? I don’t know if it’s possible to peg that answer on any one thing. I think we all get to a point where we decide that we need a break from something. I recall this attitude when I was younger. I played the violin for a couple years. I told my mom that I wanted a break. I never went back — so sad.

I’m terrible at committing to things. I’m always wanting to do the next thing. I love change. I operate in phases, and I lack consistency.

I prefer to believe in nurture over nature, but I’m concerned that it’s the other way around. If so, I’m screwed. If so, I will give up on my conditioning project and put a bunch of fat back on. I will never complete a project except out of necessity. I will never tell the stories and direct and animate the animations I want to craft. I will never become the Painter of Light that I want to be known as. I will never make said secret product. I will never engineer said secret engine. I will be nothing.

Obviously nature plays a role, but I must believe that nature can be overcome, can be changed. The most disciplined that I have ever been in my life were the years of my youth up to mid high school. Living under my parent’s roof, I had to do my homework before anything else, and I had to be in bed at 10 PM. Starting with my junior year, I moved my computer to my room and would stay up until 2 AM. I was very sleep deprived.

So is the answer to spend less time on my computers and to get more sleep? In part. I depend on my computers to make a living. I don’t think I need to spend less time on them as much as I need to be more productive, less distracted. I definitely need to get more sleep.

I would be doing much better if I consistently got eight hours of sleep a night, but even more than that, I want to become a morning person. I feel so good and productive when I get up in the AM, but I can only maintain that for about three days. I’ve read that it can take weeks for a nocturnal to train their body to get up at 8 AM, and yet I want to get up at 5 AM every day.

It’s tough when friends want to stay up late and hang out. Do I turn them down and go to bed early like an old man? If I want to adhere to a new sleep schedule then that is what I must do. But remember that part where I said I love to do the next thing? One moment I want to get up early, the next I want to stay up late. I’m so indecisive.

I had an awesome conversation with my roommate Amber about a lot of this. She made the wise observation that I don’t have that external pressure from someone like a girlfriend or a wife, thus it’s all on my shoulders to inspire self change. The thing is, I LOVE being single. I absolutely adore it. I don’t struggle with loneliness like a lot of people I know. I like not having a girlfriend. I’m not entirely convinced that marriage is for me.

See, I’m a hopeless romantic, meaning that I’m a romantic at heart, but I fear that my romantic sentiments will never be fully appreciated or well received. Thus, it actually makes it easier for me to be single as it allows me to channel that fiery romanticism into my creative work. Yet I’m so unmotivated; I lack drive.

So what’s the answer? Learning to not live life based on how you feel is an important step. Encouragement helps. It looks like I’m going to be moving into an apartment by myself. On one hand, this runs the risk of turning me into a hermit, withdrawing even further from my friends. On the other hand, this may provide me the solace I need to center myself, become fully self reliant, and fully self disciplined. I hope the latter is the case.

Intro
Cameron Crowe fans will understand the wording of the title of this post. I’m placing bets that Luke will get it first. Thank you, Luke, for keeping the dream alive.


Wednesday
Last Wednesday evening I took off with Jason for Naperville. What’s in Naperville you ask? His wedding. We had great conversation on the way up. He told me he loved me, I told him that I was sorry, but I just didn’t feel that way; he said he was marrying Jill to cover up his feeling for me, and then called Jill, “David” one evening at her parent’s house (that last bit is true).

We discussed the current state of affairs in the Christian world, agreeing that a Christian subculture should not exist. I mentioned additional grievances I had against the modern day church, further cementing my argument as to why I do not go. We made rather good time in our travel, though we would have made even better time if it was not due to a detour. iPhone (yes, iPhone, not “My iPhone.” iPhone is an entity. Do NOT piss iPhone off) helped us out and was a great companion for this trip.

We get up to Jill’s parent’s house where I am introduced to her mother and father, two of the kindest and most hospitable people that I have ever met. They allowed Jason and I to stay in their basement for two nights, which saved us money as we didn’t have to get a hotel room. Wednesday was a relaxed day of meeting Jill’s family and getting to know them.


Thursday
Jason and I get up at 9 AM. We have some coffee, and Jason proceeds to jump rope. Jill’s father and I discuss cycling in which he further piques my interest in the sport. Jason and I then leave for Starbucks as we needed a place with Wi-Fi.

We get to Starbucks, I order a skim latte, or a non-fat latte as they call it, and we have a seat. Sure enough, they have Wi-Fi. Sure enough, it’s AT&T only, and not T-Mobile. T-Mobile said that they had made an agreement with AT&T to grandfather in current T-Mobile customers, however I could not log on at all. One of the employees was kind enough to call around to find us a Starbucks that still had T-Mobile, and after doing some offline work, we head to another Starbucks.

Ah! Internet at last… at least for Jason. Only one person can be signed in at a time under a given account. If I had a crossover cable on me, I could have logged in on one computer and shared the connection via the crossover cable. Alas, I did not have one. I really didn’t need it as I could check my email on my phone, so I cranked away on a site that Brett and I have been working on.


The Rehearsal
Jason leaves, goes out to his car to make a phone call, and a while later come dashing in saying, “I lost track of the time. We have to go!” We zip off to Jill’s parent’s where I learn that the rehearsal is a dress rehearsal. I had absolutely no idea. All that I have are the t-shirt and jeans that I am wearing. I really don’t mind being the odd man out, though. I see it as an opportunity to be a trailblazer, a trendsetter, or at least that’s what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

As it turns out, Jill’s father is about the same size as me, and finds clothes for me in no time. The day is saved! I ride over to the rehearsal with Jill’s father, mother, and friend Joanna. We have a quick rehearsal that Jason’s brother, mother, and crew are an hour late to due to a misunderstanding, and off we go for dinner.


Dinner
We pull up to a country themed restaurant where we sit in a secluded room, enjoying each others company. I couldn’t have anything on the menu due to my diet, so at the request of John and Cole, I ordered a dish for them to share. It was a lovely time, and I greatly thank Jason’s father for the occasion.

Finally we head back to Jill’s parents. This time I rode with Jason and Jill. I had brought a cooler of food with me that I prepared so that I could stick to my conditioning diet, and fortunately had left it in the car. I quelled my hunger by munching on some food as Jill and Jason made a quick stop at a nearby Wal-Mart. We get back to the house where Jason and I workout before bed.

And there was peace and rest on the second day.


Friday
The big day. Jason and I get up and begin looking for a hair salon so that we can get last minute hair cuts. We get a bit lost, but finally come upon two salons. One was too expensive and the other was closed. We decide on a salon titled, “The Ginger Root.” We set an appointment, jet over to the hotel that Jason’s family was staying at, pickup John, and head back to the salon. Two very nice women cut our hair, though I just got mine trimmed as I am growing it out. We drop John off and head to the church, quickly getting dressed only to find that Rock’s tux is way too big. However, Jill’s mom can sew and her and another lady save the day.


An Old Friend
In the dressing room, a long-time friend of my parents walks in and says, “Which one of you is Fendley.” I look at him, and say, “Fendley?” He responds, “Are your mother and father Dennis and Linda?” I say, “Yes,” and he proceeds to ask me if I remember him. I sure do. I grew up in the church that he and his wife are still pastors of to this day. In fact, My dad used to teach there.

He says, “Where do you go to church?” I tell him that I do not go to church. “Could I talk you into coming back?” he says. I told him that I am a big fan of George Barna’s, “Revolution,” and that I read through it quickly. He made a comment that Barna was a bit out there and asked if I believe it 100%, to which I replied that I do. He told me that he was going to try to get me to come back. I told him that he is more than welcome to try.

He asks what I’ve been doing and I tell him that I own a company currently doing film and web development. He said that he’s been interested in hiring a company to do high-quality, professional video on occasion, and would love to talk sometime. I give him my cards, but little does he know that my benefactor, and long-time friend, co-founded his church, and was driven from it for political reasons in years past. We all head out to take pictures, some serious, some fun, and head back inside for the wedding.


The Wedding
The wedding was short, sweet, and beautiful — perfect. Jason’s brother John cried a bit when it came to the vows, which were quite lovely. Jason and Jill escape in their limo, returning later to take their photos together. I meet up with the absolutely amazing Brian, where we chat about various topics, especially our shoes. I had these awesome black and turquoise shoes on that Jason and Jill had so kindly bought for all of the groomsmen.


The Reception
The reception was wonderful. I got to see some old friends, we took some more pictures, and the building we were in overlooked the Fox River. We had champagne, wine, toasts, and an open bar that I sadly couldn’t indulge in due to my conditioning project. I had the best salmon of my life with asparagus and rice. No really, it was the best salmon I’ve ever had — absolutely amazing. Perfect. I counted the day off as an indulgence day and had some cake which is absolutely forbidden from my diet, but the slices were thankfully thin. After some dancing, Josh and I took off and met Jason at his hotel to transfer some of his belongings out of his car as I would be driving it back to Champaign.


The Journey Home
After getting a bit lost, and Josh and I’s two and a half hour drive turning into a four hour drive (which would have been longer if it was not for the sincerity of a man at Dunkin’ Donuts), we finally made it home.

In reflection, I had a great time. I thank Jason, Jill, the parents, and all those involved for letting me be a part of it. May God bless and protect Jason and Jill in their travels; may they have an eternity filled with joy and happiness.

Heather Salm and Micah Boyce were married yesterday. I must say, it was one of the coolest wedding I have ever been to. Not only was it imbued with joy and happiness, but it featured such incredible music. Never have I seen so many talented musicians perform in a single wedding. I truly wish the best for Heather and Micah.

On a more humorous note, Luke gave the funniest speech that I’ve ever heard at a wedding. You really have to hear it for yourself to fully appreciate it. That man can write… and I’m jealous! I really need to write more. I truly am my own worst enemy.

I got to hang out with my hopefully-future-roommate, Matt, at the wedding. That man is 110% awesome and then some. I’ve been scoping for apartments as I think it will be much easier if my roommates and I all move out at the same time, otherwise there’s issues with the deposit that I’d rather not deal with. I’m hoping we can check some apartments out very soon — maybe this week.

I have a meeting with Josh tomorrow at 6:15 AM! I’m using him as my alarm clock so that I can get my body back on a sleep schedule. We’re going to go over a web site concept that he has been working on, and I’m going to apprentice him in the art of web design and development. He definitely has the mind for it, and I really hope he sticks with it.

I love Sam Yergler — I really do. Lately he has really been an inspiration and encouragement to me, let alone a source of some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. He is so easy to talk to and so understanding as well. I have never felt judged by him. I think we all could learn a lesson in selflessness and encouragement from him, and I hope that we remain friends for the rest of our lives.

This week is a week of finishing up projects. With the company restructure hopefully getting full approval this week, I’m hoping to be in a position to contract and hire more freelancers so that I can begin to focus on animation — more specifically writing our first animation. I have a concept that I am very excited about, and I can’t wait to reveal it in due time.

Alas, I must go and do my daily workout for The PCP. I’ve made a lot of progress, and I’m becoming more and more excited as I see the results. By all means, please feel free to offer words of encouragement! I sure could use them as it’s only going to get harder.

Micah’s bachelor party was last night, and it was a lot of fun. I almost didn’t go because I had been physically feeling up and down prior, but I was feeling better so I went.

Everyone else played Halo 3, drank, and ate junk food. I wasn’t interested in playing Halo 3, though I did play half a game with Luke, and I couldn’t drink or eat any of the food there as I am on a very strict diet. When we had a toast to Micah for his new, exciting future with Heather, I really appreciated how Luke respected the fact that I was on a strict diet and couldn’t partake in the drinking. It really helps to have friends that encourage you instead of pressure you — especially when it comes to long-term, life changing decisions such as diet and exercise.

I talked with Patrick today about life after the PCP. We both plan on easing up on our diets once winter rolls around, then resuming them in the Spring and Summer. This allows us to enjoy some of the more “guilty pleasures” of life in the Winter while retaining peak condition in the Spring and Summer.

I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I still have a long ways to go.