I hate discipline. Why? Because it’s more elusive than that asshole leprechaun and his pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. I know this because I’ve caught that little fucker before, and all he had was a damn Twix Bar. Yeah, he struck a deal with the makers of Twix — sellout.
I used to be so disciplined. What happened? I became lazy; but why? How? I don’t know if it’s possible to peg that answer on any one thing. I think we all get to a point where we decide that we need a break from something. I recall this attitude when I was younger. I played the violin for a couple years. I told my mom that I wanted a break. I never went back — so sad.
I’m terrible at committing to things. I’m always wanting to do the next thing. I love change. I operate in phases, and I lack consistency.
I prefer to believe in nurture over nature, but I’m concerned that it’s the other way around. If so, I’m screwed. If so, I will give up on my conditioning project and put a bunch of fat back on. I will never complete a project except out of necessity. I will never tell the stories and direct and animate the animations I want to craft. I will never become the Painter of Light that I want to be known as. I will never make said secret product. I will never engineer said secret engine. I will be nothing.
Obviously nature plays a role, but I must believe that nature can be overcome, can be changed. The most disciplined that I have ever been in my life were the years of my youth up to mid high school. Living under my parent’s roof, I had to do my homework before anything else, and I had to be in bed at 10 PM. Starting with my junior year, I moved my computer to my room and would stay up until 2 AM. I was very sleep deprived.
So is the answer to spend less time on my computers and to get more sleep? In part. I depend on my computers to make a living. I don’t think I need to spend less time on them as much as I need to be more productive, less distracted. I definitely need to get more sleep.
I would be doing much better if I consistently got eight hours of sleep a night, but even more than that, I want to become a morning person. I feel so good and productive when I get up in the AM, but I can only maintain that for about three days. I’ve read that it can take weeks for a nocturnal to train their body to get up at 8 AM, and yet I want to get up at 5 AM every day.
It’s tough when friends want to stay up late and hang out. Do I turn them down and go to bed early like an old man? If I want to adhere to a new sleep schedule then that is what I must do. But remember that part where I said I love to do the next thing? One moment I want to get up early, the next I want to stay up late. I’m so indecisive.
I had an awesome conversation with my roommate Amber about a lot of this. She made the wise observation that I don’t have that external pressure from someone like a girlfriend or a wife, thus it’s all on my shoulders to inspire self change. The thing is, I LOVE being single. I absolutely adore it. I don’t struggle with loneliness like a lot of people I know. I like not having a girlfriend. I’m not entirely convinced that marriage is for me.
See, I’m a hopeless romantic, meaning that I’m a romantic at heart, but I fear that my romantic sentiments will never be fully appreciated or well received. Thus, it actually makes it easier for me to be single as it allows me to channel that fiery romanticism into my creative work. Yet I’m so unmotivated; I lack drive.
So what’s the answer? Learning to not live life based on how you feel is an important step. Encouragement helps. It looks like I’m going to be moving into an apartment by myself. On one hand, this runs the risk of turning me into a hermit, withdrawing even further from my friends. On the other hand, this may provide me the solace I need to center myself, become fully self reliant, and fully self disciplined. I hope the latter is the case.
