Essence

Today was a sad day for me. I called a very good friend of mine only to find out that he just moved to Kansas yesterday. I was going to call him on Friday to hang out with him, but I ended up going to see “Grindhouse” instead. I had no idea he was planning to move to Kansas and it sounds like the decision was pretty sudden.

The good news is that I am hoping to go visit him in the summer. We talked about how we really want to take a trip together to California to hang out as we are both quite fond of the state. We also seem to be going through a very similar situation in life — what are we passionate about? Nevertheless, I am going to miss him immensely, but we both have agreed to stay in touch and to seriously make plans for the trip.

Tonight Rob and I finished season two of “Scrubs” and are almost half way through the third season. More memories to add, both of “Scrubs” itself and of watching them with Rob. There are so many beautiful, touching, and hilarious moments in “Scrubs,” and Rob and I have become so attached to the characters that we often quote, discuss, and relate to them. Scrubs and it’s cast and crew deserve Emmy after Emmy.

I called my brother today to express my sadness in Mark moving, but I could not reach him. What is interesting is how in an episode of “Scrubs” that I watched tonight, Dan, J.D.’s older brother, stood up for J.D. even after J.D. said some very damaging things to him. It was a reminder to put our differences aside with our siblings, and to love them no matter what. I relate to this because it has become hard to talk to my brother due to our strong differences in spiritual beliefs. I just need to let go and love.

Sometimes I wonder if I have seen the future, better yet, a glimpse of it. I know Rob has, but perhaps I lack the faith to truly believe that something I have seen in my mind is that of the future. I often write it off as being conjured up by my own imagination, and considering my over-active imagination, it very well could be. I guess I will know it when I see it, though it will be after-the-fact. Hindsight is 20/20.

I can’t believe the timing of things. As I just finished my last post, “Waiting For My Real Life To Begin” by Colin Hay came on. It is playing as I write this very entry, and it is speaking to my heart in ways that could only be construed by God Himself. These are the lyrics:

Any minute now, my ship is coming in I’ll keep checking the horizon I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing Come crashing down down down, on me And you say, be still my love Open up your heart Let the light shine in But don’t you understand I already have a plan I’m waiting for my real life to begin When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened But in my dreams, I slew the dragon And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again And you say, just be here now Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin Let me throw one more dice I know that I can win I’m waiting for my real life to begin Any minute now, my ship is coming in I’ll keep checking the horizon And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon It’s just that times are lean And you say, be still my love Open up your heart, let the light shine in Don’t you understand I already have a plan I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Sometimes it would be easier to cry, but I can’t. I feel like I’m in love, but I don’t know why, with whom, or with what. It’s not an emptiness; I have filled that with God. It’s a lack of direction. I’m in love with a woman that I don’t know exists, yet at the same time I don’t know what I want. I’m indecisive, and fear committing to a choice. I’m afraid of failure.

I need someone to be here now. I need to take off my frail mask. I need my life to begin.

Out of all of my friends and co-workers, I feel I am the most misunderstood. Part of this stems from my inability to express myself properly, and part of this stems form the emotional, hopeless romantic part of me that I have put in a cage all of these years. A part of me I feel is unique to me, and is a part of me that I love. The thing is, this part of me is not a small piece of me, it’s a majority of me, and yet it lies dormant, waiting to be set free.

I don’t mind being single. Since my first relationship years ago, I have come to appreciate being single. Feeling lonely isn’t regularly a part of me, but when I lay my head on my pillow at night, sometime the loneliness really sinks in. I’m not the kind of person to rush into the arms of someone to escape the feeling of being lonely. I’m a hopeless romantic, and as such I long to fall in love and pour my heart out to someone. As consequence, I am picky.

I also am not the kind to “look” for opportunities, I await them. I guess you could argue that I believe in some sort of fairy-tale love, or love at first site. Call it what you will, I await meeting that one person that I feel a connection to. A connection that I can’t explain but know so well as it is a part of me. Then again, maybe convincing myself that I’m waiting is my way of giving myself hope.

I’m going to go drive out to the country, listen to Colin Hay, and stare at the stars.

Why the dramatic change in direction?

As I write this, I am listening to an artist I just got into today. The artist is Colin Hay, former front-man for the 80’s band, Men at Work. His music is soulful, emotional, and inspiring. As I listened to “Beautiful World” I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to imagine the song visually. It was inspiring, reconnecting me to the emotional, vulnerable side that I try to hide so much.

A while back I talked about how I hate façades. To be honest, I still put such a thing on. If I’m around someone I don’t know, I will force my personality. Other times I try to be a hard-ass in order to be “tougher” than I appear. This isn’t who I am. Why can’t I be myself?

I’ve come to realize recently that I don’t love myself. There are things that I do love about myself, but I do not love myself completely. In addition I shun the love of others, perhaps even the love of God. I want to be something that I’m not.

Some episodes of Scrubs I have watched recently have addressed this and have been quite inspiring in my life. Especially memorable is a moment in which Dr. Cox tells Dr. Reid to be herself. That she would be better off is she didn’t worry so much about what people thought of her. I worry so much about what people think about me. I fear the judgment of man, and I look for ways to validate myself. Perhaps this is what has kept me from being truly passionate about something.

I’m a passionate person — indirectly. What I mean is that I feel a lot of passion in my heart, in my soul, but I have no where to direct it. In terms of careers, I can’t remember a single task or subject that I was ever excited or passionate about. This brings into question the current direction of my future.

Maybe I just need some away-time, away from the distractions of everyday life…and maybe I long for something that doesn’t exist.

All I know is that I will wake up tomorrow and go through another routine day, letting another moment of my life waste away. Life is too short to idle. If only I knew where to direct my passion.

I can be quite analytical. I think this stems from my perfectionist, logical side. No more. This blog was initially going to be geared towards technology, art, and culture. I have since come to accept the fact that you can get such information and opinions form hundreds of other blogs on the Internet. What you can only find here, however, is my heart.

I’m an extremely emotional guy. Not in the “I cry a lot” sense, but I am connected at the soul to my feelings. Hereforth, you will find my feelings, not mere analytical opinions. Some people think through life — I feel.

My feelings may be in the form of art: lyrics, writings, poetry, and others; and they may be mere ramblings. Consider this a opportunity to look into the journal of my life.